Contact Me!

Well, I have heard many other bloggers share their own disappointments when they find they are unsure of how to get ahold of a fellow blogger who doesn't have any contact info on their blog. Well I don't know if that is me or not, but I am guilty either way! At least until now!

I have added a new "About Me" page, and at the bottom is my new email address! So please feel free to email me directly with any questions or comments, I would love to hear from my readers!!

My new email address is crystalizedreflections@yahoo.com. I can't wait to hear from you!

Our Love Story

It seems throughout this process of remembering, its been all about the guys in my life. From the death of my grandfather and cousin when I was very young, to my first male teacher whom I couldn't stand, to my friend Chris, and then last week my first boyfriend, Steve. So this week I will just stick with that theme (and in the next session I will share more about some of my best girl friends). Get ready, this one is pretty long, I remember very vividly much from certain things this year!

Senior year started out rough. I had a falling out with one of my best friends. Victoria, within weeks of school starting. We didn't speak for months. During that time I became closer to another friend of mine, Josh. He was the ex-boyfriend of another close friend, Erin. They had dated a long time and while he was upset about the breakup, and one of the only classmates I knew in my physics class (lots of labs that you need partners for- and I think he understood more of it then I did- gotta love teachers who grade on the curve!!). So Josh became one of the people I leaned on and hung out with for much of the year, as I was dealing with losing the friendship with Victoria. He was always very kind to me, and though we weren't as close as I was with Chris, I was so grateful for his friendship senior year.
By the middle of the year, February, things began looking up, as Victoria and I began speaking again, and shortly after that I met the man who would become my husband.



I was at church early one Sunday morning, going over the worship songs for the service. Roy, who had been my youth leader, was now the interim pastor as well as the only person who could play piano in our church. So he played (and sang) and I sang with him. I remember my friend Timothy, who was then the youth leader, pulling into the wet parking lot. Watching from the sanctuary window, Jon, dressed in a dark blue turtle neck sweater with an orange stripe around the middle, and dark denim jeans, with a nice leather jacket on, stepped out of the passenger side back door holding a box of donuts for our Sunday School class. I just thought "Boy, he sure is cute, I wonder how old he is..." I was still quite boy crazy at this age, always looking for that potential guy God had for me (remember I knew I wanted to marry young, and I was ready for commitment- which is what scared most of the boys away of course!). Timothy was in the Navy, so I guessed this cute boy was probably someone he invited from his boat. I was 18, so I hoped he wasn't too much younger, though I figured he probably wouldn't be interested in me since I was still in high school.
Roy and I had pretty much finished up practicing, so I headed for the building our Sunday school class was in, just sort of kiddie corner to the sanctuary doors (separate buildings). At this point, Jon says he remembers seeing me get out of my car the first time he saw me, I don't remember going back to it for anything, but maybe I did. During Sunday school, Jon was actually more involved then I was in the discussions. He even shared a prayer request that his grandma had recently had a stroke. (If you know him now you wouldn't be surprised at all by this, but back then, me being super shy, even around this group of adults I had known for years, I was pretty quiet and rarely shared much even for prayer requests, so I was surprised this stranger was so involved!)
Well this Sunday just happened to also be Timothy's birthday (at least I am pretty sure it was his- might have been Debby, his wife's though). So after church, most of the youth group went out to eat at Godfather's pizza. Well I was growing seriously curious about this boy, by this point all I knew was his name, John (didn't find out it was Jon for Jonathan until a little later) and that he was on Timothy's boat, so he was in the Navy. I jumped at the chance to ask Timothy more questions, and when he got up to get a refill, I followed him to ask my questions. I don't remember what I asked, but my biggest question was how old is Jon? I knew in the Navy he would be in trouble for being with someone too young- if he was older- since I was actually still in school. Well it turned out Jon was only a year or so older then me (actually only a week short of a full year older).

(This was while we were away at the competition, in the bus finishing up getting ready for the performance. I do miss this sort of stuff the most of all my high school experiences!)

From there I don't really remember when we exchanged number or whatnot, but Jon continued coming to youth group with Timothy, and sometimes (eventually always) I gave him a ride to and from the Navy shipyard about 20-30 minutes away from my house & from church. We talked on the phone and we chatted through AOL a lot.
One time we went mini-golfing with a group of friends. I got to be one of the drivers, and the ride was more fun then the actual game, that was until my other friend who also drove, insisted Jon ride with her (later I found out she liked him- though supposedly she was trying to help me get up the courage to ask him out! Oh teenage drama- how I DON'T miss it!!). I was worried though, because she was much more popular, especially among the guys, completely the opposite of me! But I truly enjoyed being with Jon so I endeavored to find out if he liked me. Once we established our friendship, I felt like I could be myself with him, and he made me laugh a lot.
Finally after talking to Timothy and checking with him about whether or not it would be appropriate, I got up the courage to ask Jon to go with me to my senior prom. I was so nervous! Anytime I had ever asked a guy before I had either gotten I flat out no, or been laughed at, but as much as I wanted to be- I just wasn't the 'sit-and-wait-patiently-for-the-boy-to-take-initiative' type of girl. Then I found out later, Timothy had somewhat misunderstood his role in my concerns, and told Jon I would be asking!! I was embarrassed more then angry by this. I am not one to hold a grudge, and Timothy is just not the kind of person it is easy to be really mad at! Either way, Jon said yes! I think it was the next week when I took him home, as I pulled into the street to drop him off outside the gate, he very shyly and sweetly asked if he could kiss me. I will always remember that! Jon says he was afraid to just try because he could tell I was the goody-two-shoes church girl, and he didn't want to offend me. Well I didn't want to say no, but I barely knew him still, so I offered him my cheek for a quick peck. He is still to this day embarrassed a little by that whole situation! But I think its absolutely sweet.
By the end of April, I had to go away for an extended weekend because our concert choir always went to a certain competition each year (more then one actually- but this one we did all 3 yrs I was in choir, while the others varied). It was across the state, about a 4-6 hr drive through mountains part of the way. I loved going on the bus tours! Our director always managed to get us nice tour buses instead of the uncomfortable yellow ones, especially if we were going somewhere more then an hour away! On the ride there, I was on the phone with Jon for a bit. I don't remember who called who, but Jon eventually got to his point. Very hesitantly but sweetly, he asked it we could be 'boyfriend/girlfriend' (he didn't ask to 'go out' like any boys in my school would've) and he sort of stumbled over the words like he was embarrassed and not sure how to exactly phrase his words. I was absolutely giddy as I said yes! We ended our call shortly after this though because we were approaching a tunnel. But I quickly told my friend Bethany who was sitting beside me, and before I knew it all the girls on the bus were giggling over my phone call!

(One of our 6 prom photos, and my absolute favorite! My sister was so angry that I got this dress because she wanted it for the next dance she went too, but she didn't like hand-me-downs and I wasn't the same size anyway.)

Then it was time for my prom. May 10th, just a month before graduation. I was so excited to officially have a date to this major event. We made reservations to go out to eat at a nice restaurant with Josh and some of my other friends. We had a group of just over 10. Jon was a perfect gentleman! Even though I drove, he opened doors for me and even paid (another something fairly new- I was usually the one who paid for things even with just friends since I was the one with a job!).
Then we went to the dance, which was okay in terms of a dance, like I said, what made it really great was that I actually had a date! Oh and our teachers were our valets for the evening (nothing like that for any of the other dances). I believe it was my physics teacher, Mr. N, who took my car. Jon and I spent the evening hanging out and talking when there wasn't a slow song on. We got 2 packages of photos done- I wanted plenty of documents of my big night with him! And he very kindly danced with my friend Shannon at my prompting. She didn't have a date, but had come with our group, and I remembered how much I hated sitting out all the slow dances with all the guys taken, I didn't want her to feel like that all night. (And she didn't, between all the guys in our group, I don't think she sat out any dances though she was the only one dateless!) Eventually the evening ended and I took Jon home.
I know people assume teenagers don't really fall in love, but instead lust. But I knew very early I loved Jon. Despite all my boy craziness, I just knew (and so far I am not wrong!!). Later that month we said I love you and kissed for the first time.
Jon was there for my graduation, he bought me a pair of gold angel earrings because he said I was his angel (though I never wore them because they weren't my style- he still struggles with finding jewelry I will actually wear).
About a month and half after graduation, on our 3 month 'anniversary', Jon ended up having to work, despite date plans with me. So the next night I planned a big night for us. We started with miniature golfing, then we went to a movie- only there wasn't anything romantic playing, so we saw Tomb Raider. Afterwards we drove down to the waterfront. It was dark and deserted but nice and quiet- small town so we weren't worried or anything. I had a picnic packed of some sandwiches, sparkling cider and strawberries with whipped cream. We had previously talked about marriage, he even asked sort of playfully once before, but we decided that wasn't the 'real' way he wanted to ask. But being the girl I was, I was impatient. I knew what I wanted!! So I stood up and asked him to get on his knees, which he did. And then I told him to just do it, and he did, he asked me to marry him, though he was upset to be prompted and not ready with a ring to give me then. Of course, after all of that, I said YES! And on the way home he called his mom to tell her. Back at home (by this point he was regularly sleeping on our couch, with my mother's not to thrilled approval- and no we never snuck him into my room, I was a good girl after all, since it was getting expensive to drive back and forth so much each day- I drove him to work each morning, I worked in the same direction, and then picked him up afterwards- note to my own children- this mama won't ever allow that, so don't bother ever asking!!), I had set up on the downstair patio, a radio with some romantic CDs, and I had wrapped purple lights up around the posts, and we danced under the stars. My mom cried tears of joy (and sadness that her oldest would be out of the nest soon) when I told her the good news the next day.
Well the months flew by, and Jon and I were married just before Christmas of that same year! Actually I found out on my wedding day that it was my grandparents (Dad's side) 45th wedding anniversary!! Though it wasn't planned that way, and I wasn't particularly close to that side of the family, I like how the timing was just perfect like that. And they were able to drive to be at the wedding from 2 states away (though they arrived that day and left the next- so I didn't get to visit with them really). We had an evening wedding, themed for my favorite holiday, we even had a Christmas tree up on our 'dance floor', and up until about 2 years ago, used the same tree and some of the same decorations every year. We will be celebrating 7 wonderful years of marriage this December.

This post is the 14th in a series of 15 I am doing to record my youth with other women at

It is also linked to Favorite Memories Friday at Mom's Toolbox.

More Than You Probably Ever Wanted To Know...

...about ME!

Wow! I made it to my 100th post! How to celebrate? How about 100 things about me, some you may know, some you may not...

1. I am the oldest of 4 girls raised by my mother.

2. I have 2 older brothers though they were not my mom's nor did I grow up with them.

3. I love remembering, even if they aren't always happy memories. We learn from our past, it shaped who we are now, and what God will do with our futures...NO regrets!

4. Though I would never encourage it for another, my husband and I met and married in less then a year at a very young age. But hey, 7 years later, still happy, worked for us!

5. My husband says I have sense of humor cancer, to which my regular reply is "Yep, I have 6 months to be funny." Yet those 6 months have indeed come and gone (at least according to my dear husband).

6. On that note, I long for the sense of humor of Lorelei Gilmore from the show Gilmore Girls. She is so witty!

7. Gilmore Girls, one of my favorite shows of all time! I want to steal Lorelei's sense of style as well as her humor!!

8. I am watching one of my Gilmore Girls DVDs as I write this. I own every season on DVD, as well as my other 2 favorite shows, Smallville and Monk.

9. I have wanted to be an architect, a lawyer, a counselor, a singer, a teacher, and most of all a mother, since I was young.

10. I have had 2 miscarriages, one just a few months before each pregnancy that stuck.

11. While I am anxious for a 3rd child, I am fearful of losing another baby first. (Refer to #10)

12. I actually look back and miss childbirth!! Yes I had an epidural, and that made me more able to appreciate and enjoy the moments.

13. I did not breastfeed, though I would've loved too if not for my snacker and over-eater.

14. My favorite ice cream is Breyers Rocky Road...not just any rocky road, I like this one because the marshmallow is swirled in and the almonds are covered in chocolate for a nice little bite!

15. Christmas is my favorite season. It just makes me feel warm inside!

16. Considering #15, I do not like celebrating Christmas on a tropical island. When I feel warm inside, I prefer it to be cold on the outside!

17. I think about and buy Christmas gifts ALL year long!

18. Have you ever heard of Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages? My 'language' is gifts. I love to give them and show my love that way, and getting them is pretty nice too!

19. Pine Trees verses Palm Trees....my vote goes to the Pine Trees!!

20. My favorite season is fall, I love all the bright vibrant colors and even the gray rainy days.

21. My favorite colors are blue and purple.

22. Absolute best food for a rainy day- grilled cheese and tomato soup! It just tastes cozy and comfy!

23. Despite what you may think, I actually have the 2 most smoochable, most adorable kids on the planet!!

24. I obsess over baby names and finding patterns within my own children's...for example I couldn't imagine not naming our next child something without a long Ee sound at the end of it, like Natalie and Zachary. Also has to have 3 syllables. (Though my current list does not reflect these.)

25. I love my Kitchenaide mixer! But I am not so crazy about the rest of the Kitchenaide products.

26. A baby is a precious and treasured life from the moment of conception and abortion is murder. Period.

27. Luckily for all sins, even murder, God forgives and offers us a chance to become new in Him.

28. I do not like Obama or anything he is doing in office, but I respect that he is our president. Just as I wish more people had respected Bush was our elected president regardless of his mistakes. No one is perfect, even presidents make mistakes, U.S. history is full of them!

29. I am very opinionated...can you tell?

30. I love history! My ideal vacation would be full of visiting historical places all over the globe.

31. One of my favorite books is Pride and Prejudice.

32. Another of my favorites is Jane Eyre.

33. My favorite book in the Bible is a toss up between Esther and Ruth.

34. I can listen to a CD for months before I move on to something else- a fact which drives my hubby bonkers!!

35. When I was in junior high I had a full wall of my room plastered with Leonardo DiCaprio posters. I even named my puppy Leo. I was sure I would marry him.

36. Or on a more realistic note, if I didn't marry the Titanic star, the only other man I could possibly ever marry was a boy 2 years older then me. He was my first 'love' and my heart was his if he only asked for it from the time I was 12 until I was about 17 (though he never did).

37. I NEVER had a fear of commitment, that's for sure!!

38. I saw Titanic 7 times in theaters. The most I have ever seen any one movie in theaters.

39. I love going to the movies! Drama, action, adventure, Disney, pretty much everything but horror and some of the more disturbing types of comedies that are so popular at the moment.

40. I sometimes wish I could have been born in the Victorian age. Though I realize the versions of it I love are all romanticized and I probably wouldn't have been to keen on the trials of the time.

41. My favorite day of the week is Sunday. My husband is usually home with me and we get to go worship a magnificent God among wonderful friends. And its usually the one day a week I actually get a nap in!

42. I consider home, just the presence of my children and my husband, all of us together as one, no matter where we may go.

43. Still, I long for a big house to do whatever I want with! Paint the walls bright colors, grow a garden inside my white picket fence, knock down walls to make an extra large family room to dance around in!

44. One of my favorite pastimes is to put on some tunes and belt them out!

45. My heart melts when Zachary claps after I finish singing a song!

46. Snuggling is the best cold weather activity!

47. I LOVE blankets!! Soft, cozy, heavy and comfy to curl up under. Big, long and wide over backs of chairs and tables for a fort. Small and light, perfect for a game of peek-a-boo.

48. I collect Disney movies. Sometimes its even just compulsive, "What if someday Natalie likes this movie? I must have it just in case!"

49. Though I love my adorable kiddos, I wish I could have a girl with fiery red hair and emerald green eyes. I don't know why, but this blond-haired, blue-eyed girl whats something different!

50. I hate coffee, but I wish I loved it.

HALFWAY!! I applaud you for making it this far!! You should win an award!

51. I enjoy a warm cup of tea, though I feel like I am doing it an injustice if I must dilute it with milk.

52. I enjoy playing Wii Resort sword fighting! And I actually beat my husband and his friend in that at a certain level they were stuck on, I flew through easily!!

53. When I went with a friend once to a lock-in at a bowling alley, I bowled almost non-stop the entire night (while others played pool and just hung out). My wrist was killing me the next few days!!

54. In 5th grade I head-banged with a friend for a full hour. Then went home and threw up. I have not head-banged since.

55. I am not afraid to use cookies to bribe my kids occasionally!

56. We potty trained Natalie by giving her 1 M&M for going number 1, then 2 M&Ms for going number 2. Hope it will work the second time around with Zachary!

57. More then any other experience as a parent, I hated and dread potty training!! Give me the sleepless night, even the colicky baby, but please let me send my kids away to learn how to use the potty and don't return them until they are 100% accident free!!

58. A dream of mine used to be to open a Bed & Breakfast in the Pacific Northwest.

59. But as of late, I am torn between that and going back to school to be a social worker or a school counselor.

60. I loved my high school counselor! I felt totally inspired by her and she treated me like a valued human being, not some ridiculous high school student went I felt pretty unimportant in life.

61. I enjoy baking and decorating cakes.

62. I have fun planning and decorating for children's birthday parties in creative ways.

63. I feel creative when I make the wall art for my child's room according to whatever 'theme' we are using. Natalie's is currently ladybugs and Zachary's will be monkeys by his next birthday.
64. I am beginning to think I am a *little* OCD.

65. I would totally sacrifice style for comfort when it come to clothing...much to my husband's disappointment.

66. I am a lazy slob at heart. And my husband is the neat freak.

67. I still sing into my hairbrush on a regular basis.

68. I love making fun of ridiculous commercials with my husband. We could laugh for hours about one pointless commercial.

69. I collect kitchen gadgets, though I realize many are unnecessary.

70. If we have a big enough house someday, I want a room dedicated to books! Bookshelves lining the walls!

71. When I was little I wanted to be Sleeping Beauty- how awesome to just fall asleep and wake up to a dashing prince rescuing you though all the while you are unaware you even need rescuing!!

72. I miss my long hair! I have very thick hair though and I get terrible migraines, the long thick hair weighing on my head did NOT help!

73. I am the whitest girl ever! I often got called 'Casper' growing up. And that is why I don't wear shorts (my legs are my whitest feature)!!

74. I can play connect the dots with all the freckles I have!

75. Clue was my favorite game growing up, now its Apples to Apples.

76. My argument for having a 3rd child (which my husband was at first against) was that when he is deployed I still want at least 4 of us at home so we can play most of my board games!

77. I also really want to have at least one child where I grew up, so that my mom can be around to really experience being a grandma up close and personally, instead of just pictures online and an occasional visit. She didn't even meet her grandson until after his first birthday! That makes me sad!

78. I have a dog named Diamond who is the sweetest little girl you will ever meet! She would be an awful guard dog (and not just because she is a Pomeranian). Oh and she is living with my mom while we are in Guam.

79. Someday I want a chocolate lab named Digger, a black lab named Ebony (or Onyx if its a boy), and a hound dog named Bayard (yes, like in Alice in Wonderland).

80. My husband would prefer just ONE bigger family dog. NO cats!

81. I used to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, every single day after school for most of junior and senior high school!

82. I now can't stand the boxed kind, though my daughter loves it! (Like mother, like daughter!)

83. If we own any movie and a sequel comes out, like it or not, I have to have it! (Like I said, maybe I am just a *little* but OCD!)

84. I would love to home school my children, but I know I don't have the patience for it.

85. My kitchen is sunflowers and chili peppers!

86. I try not to miss church very often, but when I am debating about going for whatever reason and decide to attend, I have never regretted it!!

87. I use Crest Pro-Health products.

88. I have had one root canal, and my advice to everyone is that flossing is more important then you think! No one ever told me that when I was growing up, it was something I watched my mom do and never got the hang of it myself until they invented those nifty flossers with flosser heads! Root canals are NOT fun!

89. I actually have never dreaded doctor's appointments, dentists on the other hand make me queasy! (I guess if you read #88, you know why!)

90. I often sit back and marvel at how awesomely God has blessed my family! He is such a magnificent God!!

91. I think breakfast is not only the most important meal of the day, but the easiest and most fun to make!

92. If you can't already tell, I am a kid at heart!

93. I am a pack-rat, I hate throwing stuff away, but moving so much and living in small apartments with no storage, I have had to learn to let go.

94. I think socks are meant o be fun and colorful with funky designs, but most are boring and white :(

95. Iced Tea from The Cracker Barrel is the best drink ever!

96. The first thing I want to do when I get back to the states is go to an Arby's for a Beef'n'Cheddar smothered in Arby's sauce!

97. After Arby's, I am so anxious to go on a ferry ride to Seattle and walk along the waterfront up to Pike's Place Market. So many wonderful memories of dates with my husband up there! We even occasionally would walk all the way up to the Space Needle!

98. My first job was at a thrift store at the age of 16 and I worked there for about 4 years. I now can't stand them and I really don't care for second hand stuff either anymore.

99. I can't stand bracelets or wristwatches. I just don't like having anything on my wrists. Necklaces and earrings though I love!

100. I prefer New American Standard and New King James Versions of the Bible.

Big Events with Big Impacts

In the time surrounding this year many events and changes were happening in my life. I began junior high. I fell in love for the first time. My father, and shortly after one of my brothers, came to live nearby. My brother then left again, though my other brother joined my dad eventually. Someone I considered a father figure betrayed my trust in the deepest way possible. My grandmother began to have series of strokes that would eventually lead to serious memory loss and physical disability. And we began going to church where I found my salvation. But I will only share about some of those this week while others you can check back at my previous posts for as they are linked.

(My grandma and grandpa on a trip to Hawaii when I was only 4- I didn't get to go but I always remember hearing about it! They loved it!)

While each of those events had huge impacts on my life, one that actually broke my heart the most was watching my grandmother deteriorate. In my mind it all started during one of those historical moments that everyone knows exactly where they were when they heard the news, and mine I can connect with 2 other huge changes for me. It was when I heard Princess Di had died in a tragic car accident.
Around this time, my father had also shown up at our house. I had been at a friend's for the weekend, it was dark when I got home. My mom, as if walking on egg shells, told me as I came in through the front door that someone was here to see me. Over the years I had occasionally heard from my dad who was a few states away, but it had been years since I had seen him. And with no warning that I can remember, poof, he was back. I don't even think I said one word to him that night. I saw him and while my younger sister, Carolyn, was eagerly ready to welcome him back with open arms, I wanted nothing to do with him! I went down to my room and wouldn't come out.
Eventually I was willing to talk to him again, though I don't remember how long exactly it took me (not too long). I remember sitting in our family room with Carolyn on one side of him and me on the other. I was still not feeling very forgiving toward him, but I was at least talking to him, however resentfully. This was where I was when my Grandma came to tell us that Princess Di had passed away. I don't think I was particularly aware of who that really was or how it effected my world, but I was sad. I was an emotional girl, so it didn't take very much to set me off. As my grandma gave us the news, I remember her going to lean on her arm, with her hand against the entryway. But her hand missed and she fell, not hard, I don't even think she hit the floor before she caught herself. For some reason though, this is what I have in my head as one of the huge indicator that something was wrong with her.

(My grandma and me when I was very young.)

I was a grandma's girl growing up. I was actually the first grandchild and therefore very spoiled since we lived with her on and off all my life. At one point I believe around preschool or kindergarten, I even lived with her in an apartment, just the two of us, as my mom and step dad managed the complex from the manager's apartment. This was so I could have my own room, but I just loved being so special that I got to live with my grandma!
There were other signs that something was happening to her. She had a lot of doctor's appointments it seemed. And I remember being very fearful of her driving around by herself. I felt like if I were with her, I could help somehow if something happened. I often would go with her places, especially if she were crossing over a bridge, even when I had homework or just really didn't want to go. I felt I would then be responsible if something bad happened, and the butterflies would begin churning in my stomach until I gave in and forfeited whatever I had been doing to stay with her and keep her safe.
At some point she was officially found to have had a series of strokes, that eventually happened again and again, and later she was diagnosed with dementia as well. It was difficult for me to witness. With my mom working often, sometimes I would be left to help take care of her, by making her meals and helping her to the bathroom. This happened on and off, as my mom and aunt traded off with caring for her. My aunt lived in California though during the early years, so for months at a time I would have to help my mom while she was working. Not only was it physically difficult, I wanted to just be a kid and found taking my grandma to the bathroom gross, but emotionally it was heartbreaking. Her memory came and went, but most of the time she had no clue what my name was. Sometimes she would call me Sandy, who was one of her sisters. Even harder then that, was hearing her not knowing who my own mother was. Her first daughter, who loved her and cared for her all those years, and she couldn't even remember her name. I couldn't even wrap my mind around how much that must have broken my mom's heart, but I imagined how it would've made me feel.
My grandma died before Natalie's 1st birthday. She met Natalie once, though I doubt she realized who it was. I wasn't there when it happened but my mom says my grandma knew her at the end. I don't remember enough about her spiritual life to know whether I will see her in heaven, but as she had a childlike mind at the end of her life I hope maybe she is up there waiting for me, and one day I will get to introduce her to her great grandchildren.

And as for my relationship with my dad, it has grown over the years. Slowly at first, but I think that's the way it needed to happen for me. I now believe we have a good relationship though maybe not the traditional one. We email each other on and off, and now I am the one living more then a few states away!

This is the 9th post in a series of 15, I am doing to record my youth with other ladies at
. Another session will be starting in October and everyone is welcome to join in on the fun!

Click here to view the rest of my Mommy's Piggy Tales posts, from how I got my name through 7th grade.

Zachary's Birth Story

Again I found myself with a hugely bloated belly and a week past my due date. I don't know what it is about my babies, but they were both big and both took their sweet time gracing us with their presence!
I had prayed hard that my baby boy would be different then my daughter and come early even. I particularly hoped he would be born a week early so that he would share his birthday with my sister Nicole, as well as my great Uncle Mike, and my great Grandma. It was a particularly sad time because my uncle had passed away the day before his birthday, so I was anxious for the joy my little guy could bring. But that week passed and Zachary continued to kick from within me.
Then the next weekend came and went, with my close friend who shared my due date now having a beautiful baby girl in her arms instead of her belly. I felt jealous as I impatiently waited for my turn. I continued to hear surprise from others that I hadn't 'popped' yet as I was even larger then I had been with my daughter- gee, thanks for pointing that out. Simple tasks like taking care of my older child truly became chores as my energy was diverted to just being able to move around with my expanded middle.
I went in for a check up just after my due date, and finally to schedule my induction. Unfortunately there were a lot of pregnant moms closing in on their due dates and in the tiny Guam Naval hospital there were only 3 labor and delivery rooms available. One always had to be kept open for that mom who would spontaneously go into labor, apparently some babies do come out in their own time! So I was left with the earliest date available, a week and a half after my due date- which by the way we were positive of because I knew when we had conceived our surprise baby since we had only had the chance to be intimate once in all the stress surrounding out move to Guam. I have since gotten over this, but at the time I was devastated that of all the dates, I was now scheduled to have my baby on one of my 3 sisters birthdays, the one I least got along with. In the past year I like to think things have improved between us, but at the time of Zachary's birth we still fought like cats and dogs! I did NOT want my child to share her birthday!
Jon and I tried everything we could think of in the week and half leading up to my scheduled induction to get labor to happen naturally. I took Evening Primrose oil, we spent lots of awkward moments in bed attempting my husband's favorite method to induce labor, and I walked, A LOT. Even the doctor's had begun 'stripping my membranes', a very pain process, a month before my due date. But Zachary was not about to budge.
With my daughter, I had had the typical fears of a first time mom going into childbirth. I didn't know what to expect then, but I did now, at least when it came to labor itself, unaided. Now my fear was of the hard and intense labor pitocin would bring on, that could potentially lead to a c-section if my body didn't respond properly by dilating and effacing. I had been only barely 2 cm for the past month with no effacement- with my daughter it was the same 2 cm that haunted me for a month though then I was more hopeful because I was also effaced almost completely the last month as well.

The night before I would meet my son I did not get a wink of sleep. Our wonderful new friends from church were kind enough to have Natalie come over that night instead of worrying about dealing with her as we prepared to be at the hospital around 6 am. With maybe 3-4 hours sleep, I woke up and watched the clock count down to 5 am, when I had been told to call and check that there was room for me to come in. Each day they scheduled 2 woman to be induced, but if others had come in, rooms would get filled and there may have been room for only one or neither of us, but I was determined to be the first to call in that case. And thankfully I was told to go ahead and come in.
We waited down the hall, me on the edge of the seat, barely able to sit still, as they prepared my room. I was so anxious and nervous I hadn't eaten anything before we left, something I quickly regretted! Once I was hooked up to the monitors, and the IV in, it was a waiting game until the doctor arrived around 7:30. The nurse had already advised me that I was only allowed 'easy' foods, like jello or popsicles- as long as they weren't a shade of red. Of course there was nothing close to that available in either the hospital or the mini mart beside it.
After the doctor arrived and came in to tell me what was going to happen, the pitocin was started at around 8. It didn't hit as hard as I expected, it sort of came on gradually. My husband patiently waited at my bedside, looking tired from the lack of sleep he too had suffered. I remember asking him over and over in between my building contractions "Are you okay?". What a turn around from how irritated I remember feeling with him during my daughter's birth! At some point he finally asked why I was so worried about him when I was the one in pain. But I continued to be overly concerned with his state for some reason and every time I heard him sigh or yawn, again I inquired of him how he was feeling.
The doctor came in to break my water around 11 am. I was around 5 cm, and had been checked regularly by the nurse, though with very slow progress. It felt so strange to have my water broken by hand. With my daughter it hadn't happened until after I was enjoying my epidural, so I could only barely recognize the gush of fluids. This time the doctor, sitting on the edge of my bed, talking casually to me as if having this conversation over coffee, had to keep pushing around to get all the fluids out, and they just kept coming. He even noted it was a lot more then usual, as I felt a little hope that my huge belly had just meant lots of fluids verses the possibility of a big baby. The demeanor of my doctor was so casual, which honestly made it all the more awkward for me. He wasn't just my doctor, he was a regular attender of my church. I wouldn't just see him for appointments and have a purely clinical view of him, I knew him personally- though we never saw each other socially really- and he knew me a little too much if you know what I mean! I value my modesty, and this was definitely not making me feel very modest.
He advised me to hold off on my epidural for as long as I could stand to. He said it would be its strongest at the beginning and fade by the time actual pushing began if I got it too early. But being the wimp I am, 45 minutes later I was begging for it! Out of nowhere the contractions had gotten very intense, and I didn't want to wait anymore, I didn't understand how the epidural would 'fade' when with my first child it had been in for hours and hours before I had my baby.
I was much more informed though this time, that much was true. With my daughter no one had sat down to tell me how things would happen. Now though both my doctor had explained to me all about the different possibilities that could happen, and then the anesthesiologist had come in to tell me exactly what he would be doing. I wasn't really thrilled with this, I just wanted to move on. When the anesthesiologist had finished explaining he asked if I had any questions, I was very quick with me 'no', though Jon had piped up to some unimportant curiosity of his own to ask. I just remember looking at him and saying "I will tell you if you have any questions- and NO you don't!!" After all, it was happening to me, and I wanted that epidural that moment. That was the only time I was even a little unkind to Jon during Zachary's birth, and I quickly went back to being concerned about his well-being over mine as I laid in the hospital bed. It was even easier after the epidural.
This time the epidural was not nearly as strong. I could still feel the contractions though very mildly. The next few hours passed quickly, though I was starving the entire time. I honestly was having trouble thinking of anything else. Unfortunately when the doctor had arrived that morning I had been told I could only have ice chips, but as I was so desperately hungry and wasn't sure how much longer this labor would last, around 3 pm, Jon was ready to head down to the nearest grocery store to grab me some jello. I was hesitant about him leaving, worried the minute he was gone things would start happening fast, so I asked the nurse to check my cervix before he went. She was in on it, and knew where he was going and was playing dumb about it so I could have a little food in my belly. But as she checked my cervix, we discovered I was 9 cm. It was time to call the doctor in. It didn't take long for me to hit the 10 cm mark, and once I did I felt the oddest sensation. With my daughter, as numb as I was I had never experienced the feeling of needing to push. I pushed when I was told that time, but now I had the strongest urge to push very hard. The nurse asked me to wait- she must've never given birth, there was no holding it in! The best I could do was not put all my effort into the push that was coming like I was stuck on auto pilot. My body wouldn't give me an alternative. Luckily the doctor didn't take long and I was allowed to unleash the full force I had been longing to put behind the uncontrollable urge to push.
It was almost 4 in the afternoon, and I was excited and filled with anticipation. Despite the mild pain I was feeling, I was actually enjoying childbirth! I also, even in the heat of the moment, continued plaguing Jon with my questions about how he was doing, how funny I must've sounded to the doctor and nurses! I think I was beginning to irritate him honestly.
The baby's head was almost out, but according the monitors with each push his heart rate was dipping just a little. And my blood pressure was on the lower end. So with both of us in mind, not wanting anything to get worse, the doctor pulled out the forceps. He assured me we weren't in danger, he just didn't want it to get to that point. So with the help of forceps and one big push from me, my son was born at exactly 4 pm, weighing 9 lbs, 10 ozs and 21 1/2 inches long.
So much was happening all at once. I remember asking if he was okay because unlike his sister, Zachary had not come out screaming. The doctor assured me he was fine, he even scored an 8 & 9 on his APGAR (same as his sister) though I never remember him crying very much. As soon as he was out, Jon pulled out the 2 bags of cookies I had packed and I quickly devoured them. I felt awful. My son was just born but all I really was worried about was food!!
After my hunger was satisfied, I couldn't take my eyes off my boy. He looked exactly like Natalie, and I felt much more of the love I had expected then verses when Natalie was born- another fact that plagues me with guilt. And while Natalie had barely even opened her eyes in the first day of her life, Zachary was wide-eyed and taking it all in. Even now, he is my little curious George, my observer and doer.

*Note- for those who read Natalie's birth story and are wondering- yes this time they waited to stop the epidural until after they stitched up my minor tearing- not even a first degree tear. And I could only feel the tugging of the needle, not the needle itself, thank goodness!!*

Blog Bash Challenge: 'Life Song'

So the next challenge for Blog Bash, hosted by Not Your Average Teen, is to pick a song that is your 'life song'. Its hard to find one song that I would say is my 'life song'. I mean there are so many wonderful songs that speak to me in so many different ways and I connect with each one on many different and intersecting ways. I originally wasn't going to bother with this challenge, but then I was listening to some music today and one song in particular struck a cord: "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman. It also fits in with our church's theme this year, which is making a difference. I have always grown up wishing I could make a difference.

I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I want to leave an offering. Child of mercy and grace who blessed Your Name unapologetically. I want to leave a legacy. ~Nichole Nordeman, Legacy

I want to get to heaven someday and have God say to me "Well done my good and faithful servant." I want to stand out for Him, and have an impact, it is the deepest desire of my heart to proclaim Him. And I believe blogging is an outreach that gives me that opportunity.

Thankful Thursday: My Mom

I hope my mom knows how grateful I am to have her as my mother. She has done so much for me over the years though I may not have always shown my gratitude properly.
As the oldest of 4 girls, I was more aware of the sacrifices she made for us then my sisters seemed to be. She had help from her own mom, but most of my life she raised us by herself and when I was around 12 she had the added burden of caring for her own mom, as my grandma had a series of major strokes and dementia began to set in. I can only begin to imagine how difficult it was for her, especially on an emotional level when her own mom often times did not recognize who she was- her first little girl. I know it was difficult for even me, the first grandchild to feel forgotten.
I never doubted my mom wished she could be home more with me and my sisters, but that just wasn't a possibility, someone had to bring home a paycheck to pay the bills with. And somehow my mom pulled it off. She supported almost solely her 4 daughters as well as her deteriorating mother. She is amazing!
Growing up though I could sense the stress from her and I did my best to show my appreciation by behaving and trying to keep the peace as often as possible. But I was still a kid, and a kid that did not get along with one sister in particular, who had a short fuse. It wasn't hard to press her buttons without even trying, and once she went off, I couldn't help but feel riled up inside myself and I would retaliate. Of course my mom would dole out discipline as necessary, but I always felt so guilty for causing her any grief and I repented immediately in my heart for whatever I had done. Of course it would still happen again in the heat of yet another moment when my defenses would go down.
As I grew, my mom even helped me to get a job. I worked at the thrift store she managed. Though in efforts to not display favoritism, she was actually harder on me. I understood why, I was just happy to have a job. I knew it helped take some of the pressure off of her for me to be able to have my own money to spend instead of running to her constantly for some cash.
After I met Jon and got married, she even let us live with her for the 1st year so that we could save some money (I still have no clue where all that 'extra' money went- we certainly hadn't learned to save any then!). And again when Jon was sent to Cuba for 6 months, I packed up a barely one year old girl and moved across the country back into my mom's home as she welcomed me with open arms. And I sure took advantage of my time there, as I would sneak off as Natalie slept knowing my mom was home, so I could go out and spend time with the friends I had missed after I left home. She never complained once about watching her granddaughter- and of course I tried to be as considerate about it as possible!
Since leaving home and being on my own, my mom is still always there to help me out when I need it. She is currently caring for my dog, Diamond, while we are overseas so that we didn't have to put her through a flight here, and so we didn't have to get rid of her. And now, as of last week, she has offered to help us cover the cost of tickets to come home for my sister's wedding later this year. I am so thankful for the opportunity she has provided us, and everything she has done for me as I grew up.

Thank you so much mom, for everything you do and have done!! I love you!!

Blog Bash Challenge: Rekindle

So the Blog Bash I am participating in this week, hosted by Not Your Average Teen, has challenged everyone to write a post rekindling our memories from high school. Funny enough I can't think of any particular one I want to share, yet I know in a few more weeks I will be writing about them for Mommy's Piggy TALES, and so far they have flowed very well from even younger years for that!

Its hard for me to think of many really happy, 'stand out' moments from high school. Not that life wasn't happy, just very normal and routine. I was not popular but I had enough friends for me. I loved going to youth group though I often felt like a joke there, the one everyone made fun of- I know they all still cared, I was just an easy and naive target and 'teens will be teens', right? I had a job from pretty much the 2nd month of my high school experience- which just to clarify was sophomore through senior year in my school system. In a very overcrowded district, the freshman were with the 7th and 8th graders in the junior highs. Due to my job I had little opportunity to be actively involved in extra curricular activities. I did choir, which was an elective class, all 3 years and an extra ladies jazz class my senior year.
Choir was very bittersweet for me. Though I generally liked our teacher, I was frustrated that he seemed to play favorites and I was not one of them. I am not sure what he actually thought of me, but I always felt he was disappointed in me somehow, like I wasn't quite good enough. I tried out for every solo I could, as well as, to be a part of the 'top' jazz group called the Highlighters my senior year, and he never once gave me a second thought for any of them. I know at least for the Highlighters, he knew it would be difficult for me to put in the extra after school hours the group required, though I told him I was determined to work it out. I had to settle for the beginning jazz ladies group he was also teaching. Otherwise, choir was fun, I loved to sing and felt I was pretty good at it though nothing 'special'. As a choir we regularly went to competitions, which were experiences I will never forget. They got me out and away occasionally when otherwise I would've stayed home and went to work. My junior year we even travelled the West Coast, stopping at a college, and Disneyland, were we sang for an audience, over most of spring break!
Outside of choir, I briefly was part of French club. I would go if I didn't have to work and could get a ride home during my sophomore year, then junior year I was supposed to be the VP but due to my peers dislike of me, they kicked me out for what I felt was unfair reasoning. That was the last year I took French.
My 1st year in it I had an awful teacher, though I was a favorite student of Mr. J. He taught very elementary French, and most of the students made fun of him though I was the exception- probably why he liked me. I remember having to turn in this big packet of past worksheets (all already graded), but he gave an additional grade for reasons I didn't know. When he had everyone turn back in the packet of their work for the month, (I was never a very organized student) so I couldn't find everything. I told Mr. J I had forgotten it when he asked me to hand it in and his reply was simply "Don't worry about it, I'm sure you deserve an A!" I was astonished! While I was thrilled as a student, I totally disagree with that method of teaching as an adult. Even then while happy with the grade I didn't quite agree, feeling it was wrong. Grades should be earned, not given based on favor without merit. Either way, he did not prepare his classes of students for the 2nd & 3rd year French teacher, Ms. F, who was quite difficult. She insisted we only speak basic French in class, which most had barely learned from Mr. J. And I barely made it through my 2nd year before I decided I was done! Plus 2 years was our required foreign language credit, so I had earned it and had no desire to continue.
Well those are some brief memories from my ordinary high school years. I don't want to say too much more because I will be posting about it for Mommy's Piggy TALES soon in much more detail!

To view the rest of my Mommy's Piggy TALES posts click here. To view my Blog Bash intro click here.

Natalie's Birth Story

It was almost a week past my due date. I was carrying a bowling ball around my waist that seemed like it would never stop expanding. My skin was stretched further then I ever imagined possible, then tested time and time again as my growing daughter did somersaults inside me to try and break through my belly- or so it felt AND looked by my distorted midsection.
The anticipation was building as butterflies joined the baby in my tummy. I was going to meet my daughter, who had shared my body with me for the last 9 months sometime in the next few days. I was scheduled to be induced in two days, finally, officially in the home stretch. As I slept uneasily that night, anxious for the next day to pass quickly, yet also apprehensive of the new adventure I was about to enter in life, I awoke at around 3 am having minor contractions I assumed were braxton hicks, though they still felt different somehow. I had been stressing over the thought of going into labor and not being able to recognize it until it was too close- wouldn't that have been nice! I tried my best to go back to sleep though, after timing these new contractions and not finding a regular pattern. One would come within 8 minutes of another, then the next would be 20 minutes later. But they continued to plague me throughout the next day.



Around 4 pm, I started finding a more regular pattern in them. Every 8 minutes my stomach would get rock hard, and painful- though nothing compared to what was coming. Despite knowing my own mother had been in labor for over 20 hours with all 4 of her children- me being the first and longest at 36 hours I believe- I was anxious to get to the hospital. To get to the Navy hospital where I was supposed to give birth you had to go through a tunnel in the downtown area of a major city. It was not unusual for this tunnel to be seriously backed up for hours beginning at around this time of evening, as everyone rushed home after work. I had images of giving birth in the car in the dark tunnel, surrounded by commuters, on a continuous loop running through my mind. I was terrified if things did happen quickly I would not make it all the way there, so I insisted that we immediately rush to the hospital for them to verify it as official labor and maybe admit me if they weren't too busy. Of course it was actual labor, finally, and as I feared, they were very busy, so at only 2cm- which I had been at for a month- I was sent home where I could be more comfortable. Though comfortable was the farthest thing from what I felt by then.
By bedtime the contractions had still not gotten any closer together, though the intensity in which they were coming seemed to be at its peak. I longed for the drugs I had earlier decided to attempt to go without, though my heart was never fully in it. I knew I would cave at the slightest suggestion of pain- and so I did! We headed back to the hospital, our 2nd trip. Jon kept trying to offer me his hand to squeeze as he drove and I sat doubled over- sort of, anyway, hard to be doubled over around a belly that big. I just snapped at him in between focusing on my breathing that if I wanted his hand I would've asked for it. I think that was the only time I actually got mad at him through the whole thing. Again though, we arrived at the hospital and Jon wheeled me up to the maternity ward. I hated more then anything sitting in the waiting room in excruciating pain with a room full of witnesses. I tried hard to hide what I was feeling, but it was difficult. We finally were put in a triage room to be checked on, only to find my cervix still having made no progress. Our 2nd trip was another bust. We were sent home with ambien to help me sleep, though in the process of getting it I found myself again waiting with an audience in the pharmacy, which for about 10 minutes went into a fire lock down. I was completely in panic mode as the ends of the pharmacy area sealed up, all the windows closed and we were stuck waiting for the situation to end. It only took 10 minutes, though that seemed like an eternity to me as my contractions inched towards 6 minutes in frequency, lasting for a good 30 seconds each time. Finally we were on our way back home with something to help me sleep.
Of course after taking the ambien and Tylenol with codeine (yes, doctor prescribed), I quickly realized that the doctor who had prescribed these must not have heard I was in labor. I felt only mildly sleepy and in no less pain then before. I think it would've taken a horse tranquilizer to get me to fall asleep with those contractions! We didn't even stay home a full hour before heading back for a 3rd trip, to the hospital I was beginning to resent. After another stint in the waiting room, my cervix was checked for the third time that night at around 11 pm. I had made it to 3 cm, and my contractions were coming fast and hard at 3 minutes apart. I thought for sure I will be admitted now! And again I was reminded how very busy they were and told to go home! I was livid, I was in the most pain I ever thought possible, contractions coming on top of each other and because I was only 3 cm I was going home?! How was I supposed to tell when I was dilating more from home? My contractions couldn't get very much closer together then they already were, how was I going to know when to come in?
For another few hours at home, my husband, feeling exhausted and helpless, ran around doing anything I barked at him as I attempted to find a comfortable spot on the couch- as if that were even possible! Around 2 am I had had enough and we went back in feeling very heavy hearted that again we would be turned away. At the hospital though, the same nurse who had checked me twice that night already, took pity on me. Since I was scheduled to be induced in another 6 hrs anyway, she finally admitted me. By 3 am I was in my hospital bed in labor and delivery with IVs in my hands, and some drugs running through them. I was told they would keep the edge off, and I hoped it to be true since I feared the thought of an epidural. I hate needles. From what I had been told an epidural requires a large needle very strategically placed into a precise point in your back as you hold still. I was in fear of not only the needle, but not being able to hold still for it and having something go wrong. Unfortunately the drugs that were to 'take the edge off' helped very little and I decided to get the epidural. I was more scared of the pain getting worse then anything else right then. And honestly as I prepared for it, I never saw the needle, and barely felt it all go in. It wasn't hard to sit still, rolled over my belly like that, in fact it was somewhat comfortable, and Jon stood in front of me to hold me steady just in case. Once in, I felt awesome! And I finally managed to get that few hours of sleep, nodding off to one of the movies we had packed- What Lies Beneath.



By the time I woke up it was nearing 8 am. Though I could see all the contractions on the monitor, I felt nothing. In fact I felt too much nothing! When the doctor had given me the epidural he had showed me how to push the button if I needed more, though I hadn't had to use it, he also said it should keep me numb from my waist down. But I was numb all the way up to my chest!! I could feel the weight of my arms as the, apparently too high, dose spread! I paged the nurse who came in and misunderstanding me, pushed the button to give me more before the doctor happened to be walking in to check on it. I told him how numb I was and he adjusted the level as I regained some feeling back in my chest. The nurse helped flip flop my legs and left behind him, without having checked anything 'down there'. I don't remember clearly when they popped my water sack, though I know they did, I think it was sometime after the epidural was in place, but that was around the last time they had checked my cervix as well.
An hour later I was feeling impatient. It had been hours since the last time someone had checked my cervix to see how things were moving. I didn't want to spend any longer laying there bored and waiting. I called the nurse in, it was almost 9 am. She checked on the monitors and all the routine stuff and was about to walk out when I asked if she would check my cervix. "I suppose we could do that," she answered so casually, like it wasn't a huge deal!! Sure enough she reached down to find I was a full 10 cm and the baby's head was right there, crowning and ready for me to push!! The nurse called the midwife in and while we waited she had me begin pushing. Jon was on one side holding my leg and the nurse was on the other. My first push, I actually kicked her pretty hard accidentally in my efforts to push as hard as possible- though subconsciously maybe it was my little revenge at her casual attitude about everything!



Not even a full hour later, among many more pushes my daughter's head was almost all the way through with a head full of hair. I remember being asked at that point if I wanted them to put up a mirror so I could watch and I nearly shouted "NO!!" at the same moment the midwife asked if I wanted to feel the baby's head. I didn't answer, I am sure the look on my face gave away that it would be the same response as before. But my husband, who was now weeping with joy, let out an "I do" in the happiest but saddest voice I ever thought I would hear from him. I, however, at the moment, wanted to finish getting the baby out, not sit around staring in mirrors or touching the baby's head! I wanted to stop pushing and be able to rest!! I even shot Jon a dirty look as he reached down to touch the baby, thinking, seriously, can we move on now??
Minutes later my little Natalie was born at 9:56 am. She was a whopping 9 lbs .3 ozs and 21 1/4 inches long. Though I loved her dearly I was exhausted and after holding her for mere seconds I passed her to her daddy. I had always been told its okay if you don't have one of those instant falling head over heels in love with your baby right away experiences, but I had expected it. I was a sensitive, caring person, very emotional, and I was shocked I felt no real bond from that very first meeting as I had hoped. I loved her, but it seems she was destined to be a daddy's girl right from the beginning.



Before Natalie was even out, the epidural had been shut off and was fading too fast. I had a 2nd degree tear and I could feel them stitching me up. When I cried out in pain, no longer able to contain it, they offered me the option of local anaesthetic to help ease the pain- just great another needle being stuck in the very spot my body had endured the worst already! Unfortunately it had little effect and I suffered through the rest of the stitches as Jon feel deeper in love with his first little girl.

Don't forget to check out Zachary's Birth Story later this week as well as How We Came to Formula Feed Our Babies, and My 10 Tips for New Moms.

*Note to pregnant mommies planning on an epidural- DON'T let them shut if off until they are all done fixing you up! After my 2nd I was up front and adamant about that from the start and I didn't feel any of the stitches that time despite an overall weaker epidural!!*

Blog Bash: The Crystal Behind Crystalized Reflections

Part of blogging, I have discovered is community. In fact it's a HUGE part! So I am putting in my effort to be seen and heard!! I am attending a Blog Bash hosted by Not Your Average Teen.

Growing up, I myself was 'not your average teen'. I was the oldest of 4 girls raised by a single mother. I was the responsible one. And if my mom had let me, I would've been the boss! I had a job early in life, but also made church and God a priority. I grew to have a love of writing as well from an early age, and one of my first bits of poetry was something I wrote about God and His love and mercy, then I read it in front of my small 'country' church. (I am not sure my old friends would consider it a country church, but after the churches I have now seen, I know that's exactly what it is!)
I graduated high school in 2003 having very little idea about what I wanted to do in life. The only things I did know were that I wanted to help people, I felt God had gifted me with compassion and I wanted to share that with the world. And I also was sure I wanted to be a wife and mother. Since I was at a loss as for what to do in college, I decided to start with what I did know I wanted: a husband. And God had brought me just that.



I met Jon in March of 2003 during my senior year when a friend from his boat invited him to our church. I asked him to take me to my prom in May, and in July he asked me to be his wife (with a little prompting- I am not very patient!). By December we were married- again VERY impatient- and we had a year left before we would face our first military move. During most of that year I was very anxious to get pregnant, and after 10 months I saw those 2 pink lines confirming my hopes, finally! Sadly though, just after our move to the East coast, after Christmas and our 1st anniversary, I had a miscarriage. But I didn't let it keep me down long!
By Mother's Day I was again pregnant with my now 4 year old daughter. Natalie is an interesting child, a drama queen like her mommy, and a silly goose like her daddy. She is also very smart if you ask me, and I am not sure who exactly that came from. Each day with her is a completely new adventure as I never know what will come out of her mouth next- sometimes for the better, others for the worse!



As we approached our next move, an even bigger move, overseas to Guam, we had planned to wait on a 2nd baby after another miscarriage shortly before the move. But God thought otherwise when He blessed us with a surprise baby, that we discovered just a month before we made our long trip to our new home. Zachary joined our family just a month and half after Natalie's 3rd birthday. He is fun and tender hearted. I take much joy in hearing his giggles each day, and comforting him when he falls (which he currently does a lot of as he begins to learn to walk). He still surprises me often with how smart he is for his age and how perceptive also.



I am hoping in another year to go back to school to get a degree in psychology. I am now interested in the field of social work or possibly a school counselor. That may change though as I am also longing for a third child, though we are currently planning to wait until we are back in the states and closer to family. We have 1 more year officially left on our little island of Guam, as we await approval of an extension for an additional year. Though I am not in love with the climate, I do love the people here!
Well that's me in a nutshell!

I am also supposed to answer 5 questions about myself as a blogger:

1. Why do you blog? I blog because I enjoy writing. When I was 12 years old one of my half brothers got in contact with me, he sent me some of his poetry. I wanted to be able to write as well as he did. In junior high and through high school I wrote my own poetry. I found inspiration everywhere I looked and the words just flowed through me. Until recently though, I have been in a sort of writer's block. I was so busy being a wife and mother, I let myself slip through the cracks and rarely got around to one of my first loves. Then I began reading a blog belonging to a friend of mine. She wrote about motherhood, and I again longed to have the words flow through me again. So I started my own blog! I want to be able to use the trials and the triumphs God has placed in my life to help other women. What better way then through a blog! I am also beginning to really get into it and enjoy the community in it. I am a stay at home mom and I don't have a car to get out much, so the social aspect keeps me in touch with the rest of the world when I sometimes feel out of touch!

2. What do you blog about? Everything and anything! I blog about what has happened to me in the past, good and bad. I blog about my faith. I blog about being a stay at home mother. About being a Navy wife. I enjoy occasionally sharing a bit of poetry or creative writing. Someday I may also blog about cake decorating, it is a more recent hobby I am endeavoring at. I blog about life!

3. What do you find you get the biggest reward from blogging? My biggest reward is the comments I get. I am encouraged to know others are reading and enjoying what I share. Even when someone doesn't leave a comment, the thought that somehow what I wrote might help to encourage or lift up someone else, is in itself encouraging to me. I may not ever know how God will use some of the things I write, but I don't doubt He will use them and I long to serve Him.

4. How long have you been blogging? Only a short time. I began a blog under a different title last year, but I somehow felt like I was held back. I didn't quite know how or where to start with my blogging. Then last month the same friend whose blog encouraged me to write again, started a series about recording our youth. I started writing for her series and just haven't stopped since! I feel much more confident in it now then I did originally.

5. Let's hear the story behind your blog title. Well I wanted something clever and witty, but it seemed all the good ones were already taken! I also wanted something not to specific, I didn't want to limit myself to only writing about baking or poetry or motherhood (not that that seems to have stopped any other blogging mommies I have run across- good for them!). So I started playing with my name. And it just sort of came to me from there as I browsed through a thesaurus. Crystalized I derived from a play on my name, reflections was a synonym for thoughts. My husband loved it and so did I, so it just stuck! Then I got my little subtitle: Seeing Life through a Crystal, obviously from the meaning of my name- a clear (and brilliant) rock. I just love playing with words like that!

How We Came to Formula Feed Our Babies

Feeling inspired by another blogger about a different topic to share then my usual, I am writing today about how and why Jon and I made the decision to formula feed both our kids. And I am also working on getting both their birth stories written up! It will be nice to share with them someday as they have their own children!

In the hospital, after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, I was exhausted. I don't know if it was that reason, or it just wasn't destined to be, but I never felt the proper bond with Natalie. Not when they first laid her in my arms, and not when I first put her to my breast. After getting help from the nurses I managed to get her to latch on but within 5-10 minutes she stopped sucking and acted like she was done. I believed she was latched on correctly, it didn't hurt as badly as I had expected despite being told that it shouldn't hurt if you are doing it properly. Either way, I was determined to be a breastfeeding mommy.
The day and a half we spent before being released from the hospital, I loved being close to and feeding Natalie. It seemed though that she couldn't go longer then 5 minutes on each side, and then was crying for another feeding within 20 minutes. After 31 hours of labor, I was torn between intense exhaustion and constantly feeding her. I don't know why, but for some reason I expected things to get better once we got home with Natalie, and I pushed to be able to leave when we did. I had quickly grown immune to modesty as there were constantly male hospital workers coming in and out while I fed Natalie, checking my vitals, the babies feedings and keeping our room clean. Maybe that was a little of my reasoning, at heart it was demeaning to think my breasts were now not only mine, but my child's, and apparently out there for almost anyone to see!
We went home and the panic set in. Natalie constantly cried and it seemed she could sense the loss of help coming with the push of a button. We had no one to call and were on the opposite side of the country from all our family and close friends (gotta love the Navy). After another day in which I was feeding Natalie every 20 minutes, I was a zombie and I was wondering how much longer I could possibly go on like this. I came to the conclusion that she must not be latching on properly to be getting enough to eat, so we made an appointment to go back in to see a doctor for help. Of course as I attempted to feed Natalie in front of the doctor, she latched on quickly and correctly and fed for a full half an hour each side. I foolishly thought the issue was over.
Like when you take your car to the mechanic because its making a funny noise, but for the mechanic it purrs like a kitten, that is until you get it home again. That was the same game Natalie was playing on us. Our third day home with her, and another sleepless night and day for me, her feeding machine, I caved. On Jon's suggestion we went out to buy formula, just to tide her over a little while so I could rest. It was like a miracle had happened! Someone must've switched our baby out! Natalie went 2 full hours between feedings after gulping down merely 3 ozs of formula. And I got 4 hours of sleep as Jon watched over her and fed her using a bottle.
My strength somewhat renewed, I tried once again to bring her to my breast, but the struggle continued, for her with latching on, and I, with sleep deprivation. Through many tears and fears of losing that emotional bond breastfeeding is supposed to bring, the toughest decision was mine to make. I could've pumped- though we didn't have money to buy a good one. I could've had someone from the La Leche League come to help- though I was only vaguely aware of the help they may have offered and didn't know how to contact them or how quickly they could come. But I decided to value my sanity first, as we moved forward with formula feeding.
It was never my first choice. I even tried breastfeeding again with my son. On the opposite end of the scale, he latched on within his first hour, and was still eating nearly 3 hrs later! He also was much more aggressive then I was prepared for, and though I questioned his latch, the nurses having barely glanced my way assured me he was fine. I was crying by the time I had to pry him off, and I couldn't imagine continuing. Of course the decision was easier this time, not as emotional since we had already gone through it once. And my choices were fewer since, though now better aware of the La Leche League it was not available to me here on Guam. Before we were out of the hospital, I had begun asking for formula to feed Zachary, at which point the exact same nurses questioned why I wasn't breastfeeding. When I answered about how seriously painful it was, the response I got was 'Must've had a bad latch.' (?!?!?!)
I don't regret either decision, though when we have a third, I am hoping to find a middle ground between my over aggressive eater and my snacker. I know now having 2 happy healthy kids, that it won't be the end of the world if I need to resort to formula. I may actually get a breast pump next time so I can be more prepared. But what ended up being best for our family with both our first and second children, during very stressful times in our lives, was to bottle feed. And my husband really enjoyed being able to be a part of that experience as well. In fact, in the beginning, we used to fight over who got to feed the baby, at least during the day!
Nope I wouldn't change anything about those early days with our little bundles of joy, and I truly look forward to doing it again. Even the childbirth, I look on and think of with very happy thoughts- though of course I had an epidural each time- I still get a feeling of accomplishment remembering it, no matter whether I breastfed or not!

From Victim to Victor

Continued from A Victim's Story....

As the years passed I felt more and more embarrassed to share what had happened with the one person who truly mattered, my mom. I felt the baggage of shame build with each year that passed in my silence. I never thought she wouldn't believe me, I never thought she wouldn't try to protect me or comfort me. I knew she would listen, I knew she would help, but I was so ashamed, not of the actual molestation but of being silent about it when it involved my sisters safety. And I was afraid of my mom feeling hurt and betrayed by me, I feared she may blame herself somehow for me not saying anything sooner. And as I entered my adult years, and my sisters grew up as well, I thought more and more that had anything happened they were old enough now to prevent it or report it. It never occurred to me that at the same age, I, myself, had been unable to share it with anyone who really needed to know.
At 21, while pregnant with my own daughter, I got a call from my mom. She apparently had been told by my aunt that she should talk to me after one of my sister Nicole's friends and said she was uncomfortable accompanying Nicole somewhere with her dad- my stepfather. This friend had told her own father that my stepfather had said some inappropriate things that made her feel uncomfortable the last time she had gone with Nicole. Her father told my mom, who was talking about it with my aunt. I still have no idea how my aunt came to have knowledge of it. My mom asked me if my stepfather had ever touched me, and I told her he had. She didn't want details, she just wanted to know. I didn't know what else to say. I tried explaining why I hadn't told her, I gave her all the excuses I had come up with over the years but none were solid enough to stand in my mind. Since then it hasn't come up much, and its like it never happened sometimes. My mom still let my sister visit after talking to them about everything and cautioning them, and she limited their visits to only during the day, no overnights. Though eventually they stopped seeing him at all, he worked as a trucker by then, was rarely home and was drunk when he was around. Over the years he has gone in and out of rehab, even claimed he was a Mormon for a short time.
Now down to how I feel almost 16 years after that night. It is still a memory not far from my thoughts, especially when I hear about what others have gone through. I don't think of it as a positive or a negative experience. I just think of it as a trial that has helped build my character for the better. I actually still think back on my childhood as relatively normal and happy enough, though I will always want to make my own children's time before adulthood happier and even more fulfilling then my own, and I believe it will be for them.
I have forgiven my stepfather for what he did, and I actually have come to feel sympathy for him and what his life has become. Sometimes I pray for him. God has brought me peace about it, and He has taught me much from it. I know that my scars are beautiful to God, and He intends to somehow use each one for His own purpose, one I may never know or understand for a long time. I have no regrets anymore, there is nothing I can change, and I don't know that I would. I have met and heard many people's testimonies since then, and I have even thought myself lucky and blessed that it wasn't worse. But truly it doesn't matter how bad I had it, or how rough someone else's experience may be. What is most important is forgiveness, because it will bring your spirit peace, and embracing what God may do with your life as it is, because then you will have joy also. God gives us all trials in life, and if we let them they will make us stronger as we persevere through them taking refuge in Him. I now wish only to use this experience in my life to help others and glorify God.

Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will recieve the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. ~James 1:12

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~Ephesians 4:31-32

Top Ten Tuesday: A List of Lists!

I LOVE to make lists! I think I drive Jon crazy leaving my lists lying around everywhere, but I just enjoy making lists! I like paperwork too, which he also thinks is very odd! I think the two are connected just in that I love to write everything down, even if it is on some tedious form!
The Top Ten things I make lists for are...
1. Grocery list- okay this one should be obvious right? Everyone makes grocery list, well almost. But me, I make them and then inevitably leave them lying on the kitchen table as I head out to the store! I can never remember to grab it even if I just finished making it!!
2. Baby Name lists- I am ALWAYS working on an endless baby name list as my tastes change and I try to convince Jon to like a name I love but he can't stand!! We struggled forever to come up with Natalie's name, and Zachary's was Jon eventually giving in to my constant throwing of names around that he didn't like! (Maybe next week I will share my top ten current baby names!)
3. Birthday Party Theme lists- I often list out the different themes I would love to do for one of the kid's birthdays and then continue to list my ideas within each particular theme- from unbirthday tea parties to a luau at the beach, from cakes shaped like castles to using my lamps as giant sunflowers with streamers and construction paper!
4. Books Lists- I LOVE books! I am always looking for a new novel to be sucked into or one to glean new skills from. (And don't tell anyone, but I miss the textbooks in school and being assigned reading! SHHH!!)
5. New Recipes- I am not a fan of cooking, baking I love, but cooking not so much. I do however love finding a new simple and quick recipe that my family loves. I will sit down once in a while with a stack of my cookbooks and Rachael Ray magazines and just shift through them looking for something yummy to try, noting of course where each recipe is hiding so I can find it again!
6. Christmas Present lists- I make mine exceptionally early, but mostly I like to make lists of possible gifts to get for my family and friends! I am a gift giver. For those who have read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, my love language is gift giving. So natually, that is how I prefer to show love as well, and I start buying Christmas presents early!
7. Things To Do lists- I make these so often and then lose them! I am a planner though, so I like to write out lists of the things I need to do so I won't forget.
8. Goal lists- I try to set goals for myself often to become a better mom, wife, and godly woman. I write out my list of goals I want to acheive to help keep me on track.
9. Wish lists- Another 'obsession' of mine recently has been Pampered Chef. I really like their products even though I only enjoy the baking part. I think part of it is wishing that new kitchen gadgets and cookware will make me want to get into the kitchen to cook more often. Whenever I have a party coming up, I start making out my wishlist of what I hope to get with my hostess discounts, though I won't know for certain until after the party when I get the totals!
10. Blog Lists- I am going to have to get a notebook just for my lists of posts I want to write. I get inspired by things all around me all the time! Just last night I had a great idea for a post, but I was in the car by myself with nothing to jot it down on, so I can't remember it for the life of me now! Anyway, I am trying to get better about writing those down into a list so I can work my way through them!
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